Monday, May 03, 2010

Intervention

So, a little self psycho-analysis here. You may or may not have noticed that I have no qualms with posting some personal stuff online. I also REALLY like poking fun at myself.I have my limits for sure, but I like sharing my life, thoughts, joys, and sorrows with other people. Mainly my close friends and family, but others as well. Is this because I am self centered and like validation? I am sure it is. But I like to think that is not the whole of my motivation. Mostly because I am generally happy with who I am and my life despite my struggles and personal disappointments. Do I thrive on other people's approval? No, but that does not mean that I don't appreciate it. :)

I do admit that there have been times in my life when I have been a little too much of a people pleaser. To my own detriment. Generally, I think that can be a good attribute, as long as you don't lose yourself in it. Or determine your own self worth based on your ability to please others. I am a little affected when I feel like I have done something to hurt, or offend, or turn off another person, because, yes, I like that I am a person that others generally like. So I am habitually diplomatic and don't always understand why others aren't (as I am sure they don't get me sometimes as well). But that does not mean I am a doormat. I am fully aware of my shortcomings, and am sure there are some that I have yet to realize, but that is what life is for. Continual progression. I am a little sensitive when it comes to disputes involving the people that I love most. Because I am a peace maker. I let it get to me more than I should. Even when those disputes are generally good natured disagreements. I like people to get along. I am a nerd that way.

So, I was a little dismayed this weekend when I got called on facebook for posting too much for my own self validation. Amused and a little bit bothered. There I was enjoying my first anniversary with a lazy day. Joel was making us a roasted chicken with all kinds of yummy roasted vegetables and purple potatoes and I was playing with my iphone. Taking pictures of my monster bruise on my knee, anniversary flowers, and cool card that I found for Joel and posting them on the facebook. Just for kicks and giggles. Moments later, an old mission buddy proclaimed on the same networking site that it was time to hide people's pictures because his personal philosophy is:

If you are bored, than you shouldn't be on the internet.

There are are a couple things that bothered me about this. Or rather, found amusing. Like, why is anyone ever on facebook? I think boredom is pretty near the top of the list. And why do you care so much about my random photos that you can ignore?

Granted, it could have been purely coincidental, but me, thinking I was funny and knowing him and that it was probably aimed at me, tried to make a light hearted comment that he could feel free to hide my silly pictures (smiley face to make sure it didn't come off as rude and bitter). And well, maybe I should have left it alone.

Because it resulted in this:

Friend that I haven't seen or talked to in years apart from maybe one response on a political discussion: i did. i don't mind looking at other people's stuff. thats why i'm on facebook. self-esteem does not come from others sarah.. it comes from your"self". sometimes.. somebody has to point out the giant monkey in the room.

Me (who really should have left it alone) paraphrasing here because he deleted the public conversation so I only have his responses that fb emailed to me:
Oh my self esteem is intact. Just thought it was amusing is all. I post stuff for my friends and family that might enjoy seeing my daily silliness. Others can ignore it. Tactfully.

Friend:
i can mention quite a few things but i'd probably regret it later sarah. i know more than you think i do. i've never been one to act 'tactfully' but i'll sure try. wasn't it your sister who mentioned your 'self esteem' when that glenn beck fight erupted? aren't you admonishing your family for not reading your blog and posting comments? or having to constantly remind others your pregnant?

my point is.. these are the symptoms.. a professional can help you find the root of it all. constantly striving for self-validation from others will only lead to more heartache and depression.

and now i feel bad... i'm sorry. apparently some things should be left alone. its just... i know quite a few people suffering and everyone just pretends not to notice. people do tend to notice but only when its too late. well, for better or worse.. i notice these things.

If his intentions were really out of concern, well then, thank you. But otherwise, why are you paying so much attention to me? Lest you be concerned that I am overly distraught over his observations, it actually made me realize something. Something I already knew, but it was a nice reminder. After one year of marriage, along with the trials, financial and employment difficulties, and a new place away from the friends and family I am accustomed to surrounding me (and still miss, but thanks to the internet allows us to still share our day to day lives) I really really like my life. And have. Marriage is great because I love my husband and his company. But it does not make me who I am. Or make me like myself. Being single was frustrating and could be super lonely, but I liked myself then. There are always things 'missing' that might fulfill us. It is up to us to make our life fulfilling, no matter the circumstances. This is easy to say in retrospect, but I think it's true, at least for me.

Yesterday was blissful. Despite the cleaning I didn't get to this weekend, and many other greater things that would make life easier (including overcoming my personal shortcomings) I have so much love and comfort in my life. The real kind of comfort, where I love myself and those around me. And I feel loved.

The stuff he mentioned, well, was taken way out of context. The fact that I have loyal family that jumps to my rescue even when its not needed is something I cherish. (And it wasn't my self esteem, I think it was my tender heart or something). And if my family is busy and not commenting on my blog, I have no problem admonishing them the same way they would if I stopped posting on my blog.

I am also really glad that people think that they can surmize so much about me based on these isolated incidents. That and the fact that I have come to terms with the fact that I am lightly medicated to help regulate some genetic predisposition to depression and anxiety. That and the fact that my diet is heavily regulated to keep out the food allergens that contribute to that stuff. And the fact that the therapist that I saw almost 2 years ago told me that apart from having to deal with some pretty stressful life situations at the time that I was doing great and was very healthy emotionally.

And yes I talk about about my pregnancy a lot. But it is hard to ignore the fact that something is growing inside you, especially when you have never experienced it before. I hope that I don't seem too 'look at me, look at me' and maybe more so , 'this is new and I want to share it with people'. Either way, my need for personal validation does not keep me from posting things in the off chance that they may be misconstrued as self centered or needy. Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh dang it, people like me.

Or at least I do.

Validate me, please.








13 comments:

Sarita said...

PS....My job that I am very fortunate to have right now, includes lots of downtime with nothing to do but peruse the internet.

Sarita said...

and post things....out of boredom...
for shame....

Amber and Mike said...

My first inclination is to just rip this guy a new one. He is quite misguided and seriously audacious. But, I would rather just say "amen" to your sentiments. You are quite confident and one of the most vivacious, fun people to be around.

Evan and Holly said...

Obviously that guy does not have children (I hope that I am right, because if he does I would think he would understand). As someone far more wise than you, which I am because this is my 2nd pregnancy ;) knows, once you are pregnant it seems all you can talk about, then it is the child, and then it is how this pregnancy is so different from the first, and on and on it goes. I actually think of myself as really boring because my whole life is Kyle and the price of diapers and toddler beds and how I can't seem to get my fridge cleaned out because of pregnancy pain.....so I understand the whole pregnancy thing.

Other than that, the guy is a jerk. I like that you like yourself. It is a hard quality for most of us to come by.

Tara said...

Jerk. Not you, that guy. I'm hoping you've deleted him as a friend already. What possesses someone to say those things true, or not. It doesn't even matter if they are true {which they're NOT} he has no business being in your business.

I love how he professes to apparently be doing this for your good. What a kind hearted soul. It's not every day you find someone willing to dig to the depths of their jerkiness and ruin someone's day because they are Soooooooo concerned about their well-being-please!

And Sarah I concur on the pregnancy thing. It is normal and well, expected to talk about your pregnancy all. the. time. Only a man, or a heartless women who has never been pregnant would say such things. Trust me I've been pregnant 7 times {counting 3 miscarriages} and I STILL talk about it. It is a life-changing event. How can you help but talk about it. There's the vomiting, ever-bulging belly, extreme tiredness, swollen feet, deciding on names, shopping for baby. We, your family, are more than thrilled for you and love hearing about your pregnancy!

Keep it up. Please continue posting all the senseless pictures.

Sarita said...

Thank you for your support, dears. Especially because I apparently need to be validated in order to feel any self worth. :) I really like that the concerned comment was an afterthought. And I love that he thinks that he knows so much about my life and relationships. I do sometimes outright ask for validation (no delusion here) mostly as a joke, and when I get no responses, I really dont care. In fact, I usually forget about it until someone does respond. I think being able to ask for support from your loved ones is so much more healthy than looking for it in unhealthy relationships, addictions, etc. Or maybe feeding your own ego with passive aggressive comments on facebook that are meant to make someone else feel bad, or stupid, or something.

Also, I am actually very aware of how much I talk about my pregnancy and marriage. I was single for a long time (in Mormon years) and many of my closest friends still are. It is something I am sensitive to. I also have friends that struggle with infertility. I talk to them privately about how these public displays affect them and offer my support. And they support me.

Also, vivacious....I like that :).

Anonymous said...

As someone who has just stumbled on your blog today, from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend's blog, I'm going to be super weird and stalkerish and post. I'll validate you. :-)

As a completely unbiased person who doesn't know you or the person in question, I might be able to offer my perspective. He is the one with bad self-esteem. This guy most likely had a crush on you. He was bother by flowers and a car your husband gave you. Your pregnant belly? It is further reminder that you are someone else's. He has kept careful score, as sociopaths tend to do, even though his score is terribly distorted. He was obviously angry because he was hurt you weren't into him because he memorized and referenced the one other interaction you had with him on facebook when he mentioned the one political exchange. That's weird. Does he have so little going on in his life that he remembers this and makes a point out of it, like a hurt little 3 year-old having a temper-tantrum?

He dug deep to try to hurt you. Sociopathic jerks like him will try to make it sound like everyone agrees with them when they attack you. He kept mentioning he's not the only one who thinks this. He never references another person though. Very clever and most nice people would fall for this mean trick. I however, have known a jerk like this one all too well and have had to learn how some people think, so I don't get hurt by them. Your reaction was impressive and you are obviously strong with a great self-esteem. He is the pathetic loser who needs validation, and is not going to get it from lashing out at others he envies because they actually have self-esteem. One does not acquire a self-esttem from attacking others. It might trick him that he feels better about himself, but only people who feel really badly about themselves do this. He's just projecting.

Oh and I was obsessed with my belly when I was pregnant and then obsessed with my baby and now obsessed with my son. Some of my single friends don't dig it and that's tough. I dig it and I dig my son, so there. Oh well for them. And it's hardly selfish to be obsessed with another living human growing inside of you. It's selfless. I hope he's not a parent, because if he is, he knows nothing of being a parent and is way too selfish to be a good one. Let's hope he's not and never can be. I know that's mean, but he's such a jerk, making it worse trying to cover it with passive-aggressive bull, while trying to act nice, as if he's doing you some kind of favor. Trash!
And those are my unasked for two cents. Now I'm feeling like a super creepy stalker and I never post on people's blogs. I don't know how I got on your blog. I'm just bored, putting off dishes and gardening, during my son's nap. This is still creepy of me though. I won't make it a habit. :-)

Good luck and stay strong and keep the wolves locked outside. I hope you deleted him completely from your life. With "friends" like this, who needs enemies? Sheesh. That dude needs to lighten up. Seriously.

Jessica said...

Amen to everyone! We love you Sarah. You are validated. And I love your preggo belly.

LuLuBelle said...

Ditto, love you Sarah and your little turnip. Or is it an eggplant now?

Sarita said...

Thanks to all.

And Anonymous, I dont mind stalkers because the fact that someone finds me stalk worthy boosts my self esteem. Only half joking on that one. More so, I just like finding like minded folks.

But the fact that I can acknowledge that I like it, and my world doesnt depend on it I think makes me somewhat healthy.

sunrabbit said...

Hi, Sarah. I just want to add that I would be more worried about a pregnant woman who WASN'T completely absorbed by her baby and her pregnancy. It is completely natural and beautiful!
Whoever that guy is, he doesn't seem to know you at all. Neither do I, really, but what I do know I like very much. :)

HeatherWasHere said...

Came across your blog today (out of boredom! ;) ) after you posted on my sister's blog. And of course felt comPELLED to comment. Because facebook brings up all sorts of issues in people, right? I am just going to skip over the rude things this person said to you, because clearly you have plenty of friends and family who have your back, and I really, well, don't know you at all. So. Not my place. But. I get a little frustrated and confused when people want to personally police facebook according to their own preferences. They get mad when people play too many games, post too many photos, discuss politics, reveal personal information, etc, yada yada. What?! It is just way too easy to hide someone, or their posts, or their whatever, or for the extremely lazy, just NOT LOOK AT THEM!!! to have any reason to complain. I have deleted a friend or two because a) we weren't that good of friends to begin with and b) the things they posted kind of bugged me for whatever reason. Problem solved. But heavens, to be so obnoxious and presumptuous, to think that you can impose your preferences on everyone around you---how arrogant! Or to give your unsolicited psychoanalysis in the hopes of shaming someone into submission---despicable. Pooh, I hope you wisely cut him out of your life. (and by life, I mean friends list, of course) :)

Stephanie said...

what a JERK