Saturday, July 26, 2008

I'm in it right now

It's nice to be able to be here for Jess. To help manage the kids and basically move things around. After the initial cleaning. Just having an extra set of hands and an adult to talk to makes a difference. Or I hope it does. I live in a different world. She has the patience of an angel. And is such a natural mother to this new little boy. I marvel, and wonder if that could ever be me. I'm a mix of emotions which include quiet joy for this new life, pangs of participate in such a great endeavor, fear, gratitude for the life I have, and realizations of something greater that I may be missing.

Am I squandering my time? Should I be doing something better with my singledom, should I be making a greater effort to move forward......? I know that I can be somewhat guarded with my heart, and fear that sometimes it makes me seem cold. Frigid? I'm just careful. Cautious. Prudent? Level headed? I know that I have an overactive imagination and affinity towards the abstract and fantasy and so I try and keep my heart reigned in and leave the fantasies and fantastic creations for my head or to be created by my hands (which they aren't, not nearly enough anyhow). Ive been meaning to seek out new artistic endeavors for sometime now, feeling as if I am not feeding that outlet nearly enough. Sure there is some photography, but I haven't let my imagination run wild like I would like.

So the 24th of July was spent getting back to my roots, my pioneer heritage if you will (mom you are a creative genius and have fostered that desire in your has as well in his own right, I love his prose).....I rolled up my sleeves and the carpets and made my surroundings more aesthetically pleasing. Sure it was just a little rearranging and redecorating, but an important part of the process for me. Gets me going. And I have a ways to go. A long ways.

Well, I can honestly say that I make efforts. I have made 28 years of efforts to move forward. And I falter. A lot. As I meandered this morning towards trax, camera in hand, I took my sweet time. And if you ask my family my slow pace and easy going affability is sometimes what might hold me back, and sometimes may drive them insane. I have learned to sprint when I need to, but I need to embrace the slow plodding. I try to reject it as one of my weaknesses and don't let myself take in the great things around me and document them through my viewfinder. My walk was a renewal of sorts.

I sometimes don't let myself feel enough. In an effort to be prudent. And sometimes that's what you need. To both extremes. I'm feeling it.

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