Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Careful, I'm fragile

This was news to me. Or least to an extent. Aren't we all fragile? Liable to be broken if not handled carefully? Of course some more than others, but we all have our weak spots. And I think most are unaware of what that personal Achilles heel even is until it is affected by the blow of another. Likewise, we are all capable of breaking those around us. Intentionally or not. We can be gentle, but we never fully realize how our personal actions are received. The heart is unpredictable, and so we learn to control it. Guard it against pain and harming forces. For some that means that nothing affects it at all. The good or the bad. Some are way too susceptible to both, while others try to maintain the balance. Unfortunately, there is no pleasure without the pain. No joy without the possibility of the sorrow. Every decision is a risk. That is why letting go is so terribly frightening.

Not that those who gave their heart away early are not privy to these effects, but there is a distinct difference for those that still wait and weigh the options and risks. There is much more opportunity to be hurt and to watch those around you become damaged. Sometimes we see the investment and risk reap a high return and sometimes all that seems to remain is the loss. More often then not, we see the loss. And so we keep a tight reign on our own assets. It is a natural response me thinks.

I know there are those that perceive my personal demographic as being sometimes frivolous, or too cautious, or even lazy. But I believe that the element of risk is just much higher and apparent.

So yes, I was informed that I may be perceived as too fragile to pursue without injury. I've never seen it that way. If anything, too guarded to allow the possibility. You know, that or the constant fear of being completely undesirable. I guess the prior is more preferable than the latter. But after much consideration I have come to the conclusion that despite some expected fragility, I am more than anything, sincere. I am afraid to show or give more than I may be certain of feeling for fear of it being misinterpreted or misused. My sincere expressions come more easily as comfort level grows, but overall, I am afraid of my sincerity being perceived as something other than what it is. I am not sure what the correlation is the fragile state mentioned above, but I think my being cautious may be misconstrued at times. And other times, may be right on.

A guys parents commented (and I have mentioned it before) upon meeting me that they saw a lot of strength. While things with him ended up sorely disappointing (but did not leave me broken mind you, due to my hesitant guarding of my heart and fierce desire to not let my heart feel more than it sincerely wants) I have held on to that observation. Which is the direct opposite to being fragile I might point out. I needed to see that strength in myself as well. As a creature to not just be acted upon, in control of her own desires. But we all need something, someone. It is not good for man to be alone. Or women for that matter. We all yearn for something to an extent. The conquest of which leaves room for fractured hearts. Which heal, but the memory remains. I have watched it over and over again. Have not participated nearly enough in the joyful process, but whatcha gonna do?

But then again, I am sometimes totally sarcastic. Which discredits everything I just said. And just when I thought that I had myself figgered out.

So yeah. I'm fragile. I must be french.


Angie said...


Or should I say "Oui, Oui".

Rachel said...

whoah. I'm not sure I'm educated enough to comprehend that.

Joel said...

Totally French. =) Thats it.

LuLuBelle said...

Deep thoughts. Luv ya.