Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I daily guilt myself for not updating the blog. What's that all about?

I daily guilt myself for not having this kid on a better schedule, or even knowing how I want to go about establishing a better routine for him. Which includes more frequent bathing. For both of us. I'm going on four days.

I daily guilt myself for not keeping things cleaner. He's really not at a mess making state yet. I'm good at cleaning just not overall organization and keeping things clean to make that cleaning easier on me. So it's all I do, and I stress over it. And then feel guilty that I'm worrying too much about cleaning and not just playing with my baby enough. But we are living in my parents house for at least another month and I worry constantly about taking advantage of them and pitching in and showing my gratitude. Despite their efforts to assure me that I'm doing fine. It's all I can think about.

My baby is an angel baby (as all babies are). But really, he is so mellow and good and happy and a good nurser and all those things, and I'm struggling. We did have a couple more difficult weeks lately as his first tooth just emerged, but overall I feel like I should be handling it better. He eats tons and that wears me out. I should be getting more exercise, but I'm too worried about getting things clean (and I never finish, ever). So that's somewhat of a workout, but even then I tire way too easily. I keep telling myself that soon we will have our own space that we have more control over and I will mellow out a little (because I'm usually pretty laid back, especially about messes, now they cause major panic attacks). But what if I don't? As usual with my little rant, I'm generally okay, just having some hard days and struggling to express things that I need to in order to get it out of my system.

That feels a little better.

Also, thank you to my darling cousin for being so concerned and caring when I burst into tears for no good reason at the park. Your words and sweet hugs meant all the world to me. Especially coming from another mother of small children (4 children who she mothers quite well despite some of their more demanding moments). I really needed that.

Also, I think I ate some gluten the other day which could be a contributing factor physically and emotionally. Also, I still want to get my thyroid checked. Also, I need to be doing weight watchers diligently. And also relying on the Lord more. Why is it that when I am feeling the most stretched that I find it more difficult to do the the things that will help me the most? The things that I know a loving God wants me to do to be happy? Because I am a stubborn child, that's why.


Evan and Holly said...

Evan and I took like an 8 week break from WW and then we went to Vegas, felt fat, and we are trying to get back on the wagon. All the things you are worrying about, are all things that I worry about too. I am constantly wondering if all I do is stay hone all the time why isn't my house all the way unpacked and why can't I keep things clean. So don't worry--you are not alone. I also think that you are doing well at being Kai's momma. He is a happy baby, which is sign of great parents. Don't worry about the schedule. If you don't really need one, meaning it isn't negatively affecting Kai, you are fine. There will be some big upheavals soon---so you'd have to make changes anyway. When you go to work, you'll definitely get on a schedule. All in good time.

rachel.lyn said...

i agree with the last comment...do not even worry over a schedule if it's not affecting him or you!
want to know my schedule for two girls? they both get up around 7:30-8, then i lay willow down for a nap when she seems tired (if we are in the car, or out and about....she naps there!), and i try to make sure i get olivia down for a nap once a day before 3. but if i don't...she usually does fine. both are in bed around 8ish. or later if i am at my family's house. so you don't always need a SET schedule. if he is a mellow baby he will go with the flow. as long as he is fed, rested, and well loved that is what is most important!

and i feel you on the emotional thing. i am having some lows as well. i think, maybe, my fun monthly cycle may be able to start again because willow has cut out the night time nursing!

anyway...you are doing a good job. stressing over things like cleaning will only make your days drag and bring you to feeling low. do what you can the best you can! that's all you can do.