I daily guilt myself for not having this kid on a better schedule, or even knowing how I want to go about establishing a better routine for him. Which includes more frequent bathing. For both of us. I'm going on four days.
I daily guilt myself for not keeping things cleaner. He's really not at a mess making state yet. I'm good at cleaning just not overall organization and keeping things clean to make that cleaning easier on me. So it's all I do, and I stress over it. And then feel guilty that I'm worrying too much about cleaning and not just playing with my baby enough. But we are living in my parents house for at least another month and I worry constantly about taking advantage of them and pitching in and showing my gratitude. Despite their efforts to assure me that I'm doing fine. It's all I can think about.
My baby is an angel baby (as all babies are). But really, he is so mellow and good and happy and a good nurser and all those things, and I'm struggling. We did have a couple more difficult weeks lately as his first tooth just emerged, but overall I feel like I should be handling it better. He eats tons and that wears me out. I should be getting more exercise, but I'm too worried about getting things clean (and I never finish, ever). So that's somewhat of a workout, but even then I tire way too easily. I keep telling myself that soon we will have our own space that we have more control over and I will mellow out a little (because I'm usually pretty laid back, especially about messes, now they cause major panic attacks). But what if I don't? As usual with my little rant, I'm generally okay, just having some hard days and struggling to express things that I need to in order to get it out of my system.
That feels a little better.
Also, thank you to my darling cousin for being so concerned and caring when I burst into tears for no good reason at the park. Your words and sweet hugs meant all the world to me. Especially coming from another mother of small children (4 children who she mothers quite well despite some of their more demanding moments). I really needed that.
Also, I think I ate some gluten the other day which could be a contributing factor physically and emotionally. Also, I still want to get my thyroid checked. Also, I need to be doing weight watchers diligently. And also relying on the Lord more. Why is it that when I am feeling the most stretched that I find it more difficult to do the the things that will help me the most? The things that I know a loving God wants me to do to be happy? Because I am a stubborn child, that's why.