Fear

To often I find myself afraid of failure in ways that holds me back in life. And ways that I regret. I get anxious over the silliest of things sometimes. The silliest of those silly things being statues (Its a real thing, Automatonophobia, look it up). But also silly things like getting lost because I have the worst sense of direction. And the irony is that my fear makes me question myself making me more lost than I would have if I had just trusted what I knew. I'm afraid of committing to things lest I do a poor job at it. Though I have come a long long way, I still am self conscious in regards to the photography I take. Afraid that others may not like it. Afraid of being a bad mother. Wife. The list goes on. Today we took Kai to the doctor after a restless night of him crying and being all around inconsolable, which is not normal for this baby. He has a pretty impressive (as the doc put it) ear infection and slight fever. I was too big a baby to hold him while he got his shot of antibiotics because it sends my anxiety through the roof. I cant handle those tears. I make Joel do it and then grab my baby from his dad so I can be the one to comfort him. Real fair, I know. I guess I should consider myself lucky that Joel can be there with me. I may or may not have lingering anxiety over dumping the poor child out of his car seat head first on to the tile the other day. Bad mom. My mother then had to instruct me not to smother Kai as I held him and rocked him on the floor, crying over my mistake and the fact that I had undoubtedly ruined my perfect child. He is fine by the way. Apart from the ear infection.

Really, I am a happy person who lives around my anxiety. Ive just been pondering all this thanks to sweet Chelsea who constantly makes me think and reminds me of how much or how little I am relying on the Lord in these areas of my life. It takes me back to the 18 months that I served as a Spanish speaking missionary in Toronto Canada. And the scriptures that gave me strength then (and now).

2 Timothy 1:7

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

8Be not thou therefore ^aashamed of the ^btestimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;

Too often I am still afraid of feeling overbearing in my testimony and too careful not to possibly offend, or be rejected. Despite doing just that all day every day for such a length of time. It is amazing to me how easily our confidence and faith can be squashed and suppressed without constant exercising of it. I was also so eloquently reminded of the ways this happens and the great illustration of the subtle powers that the adversary has in one of my favorite books, CS Lewis' The Screwtape Letters. Thanks to my wise cousin in law for inspiring me to read it again.

But as powerful and sneaky as Satan is I am reminded that even the fear of such things is not what we have been given by God. We are given power, love, and a sound mind. Such awesome tools to help refine ourselves and fight against those things that play upon our fears and shortcomings. It is enough to make me feel personally powerful and able to take on those things that send panic through me. If only for today. I then may have to be reminded of it tomorrow.