Monday, April 14, 2008
Sense & Sensibility
Some of us super cool chicks here in the SLC have made a habit of climbing into Maren's bed Sunday nights and overdosing on a little Jane Austen, masterpiece theater style. For those of you unaware, this consists of masterpiece theater redoing pretty much every Austen work for our re-viewing pleasure. It's blissful. Sometimes we even coax the men over. The ones who appreciate Jane Austen that is. Or at least the ones that know a good opportunity to snuggle with a room full of super cool chicks when they see one.
Miss Austen, you know my heart so well. While we were taking in the new version of Sense & Sensibility (which I loved) I actually got pretty emotional over the whole thing and have been mulling over a few things in my mind for some time. Mainly that I AM Elinor.
Now, I know what you are going to say Mother, I am definitely not the older child in the birth order personality realm of things. And I agree. Whole heatedly. But there is something in all of what Elinor experiences that hits me at the core. Elinor, always feeling a keen sense of responsibility to her family and friends, she places their welfare and interests above her own, and suppresses her own strong emotions in a way that leads others to think she is indifferent or cold-hearted.
Not that I consider myself a saint in a realm of putting others before myself, but I can relate to a painful level the thought of others believing that I am indifferent or cold hearted because I don't make my every disappointment and pain known. I have my down days and then I get over it and move on. I know some who think me strong or at least okay, or good at being alone. But I will let you in on a little secret............. although I am comfortable with myself and generally happy with my situation, the being okay with a lack of a certain type of affection or attention comes from great practice. And a consistent yielding of my desires to those around me that might be more aggressive in their attempts. Or openly dramatic in their joys, sorrows, and expectations. I don't pretend that I am the center of other's universe and perhaps, consequently, fulfill my own prophesy in that respect.
I do not expect to be doted over. I do have my own unique independent spirit. But it does not mean that I do not feel slighted, or damaged when others are not sensitive or aware of my needs. I am fully aware that I need to work on expressing those things I need acknowledged in a more convincing manner. And it is something I have been working on my entire life. In my mind, Elinor is much more of a middle child. She is the mothering nurturer, but yet suffers in silence as her younger sister seems to think that her romantic escapades and constant need for validation, affection, and attention are needs for herself alone.
It pains me to watch others be careless and frivolous with the hearts of others. I do not know the balance though. How to be sensible with my heart and not let that sensibility hinder my heart always. I do not know how others see me. I make real attempts to make my true feelings known. Sometimes people are oblivious. Sometimes I expect too much.