I sometimes wonder if it is indeed better to apologize for things you may or may not have done, or to stand your ground releasing pent up wounds like a Pandora's box. Frankly, I in almost every situation choose the prior, but worry about that making me a lifelong pushover. And it's not just me, I just got off the phone with my sister who called me just that. Loves ya Nina! No it's common knowledge that I am a doormat of sorts, but much less than before. I just care sometimes a little too much in regards to the well being of others.....to the point that it is detrimental to myself. I don't hold those others responsible for this, after all I tend to set my self at times. I am much more strong willed now, but still lament on friendships almost lost because I needed to stand my ground. Finally.
So when these circumstances arise, is it better to swallow your pride? Cut your losses and high tail it out of there in order to maintain a relationship with those you care about? Or perhaps to lay the offenses at their door, not in a manner of attacking, but rather to let them know how you truly feel, and hope for the best. The best being that the situation only strengthens the connection with understanding, rather than severing all ties. It's a constant dilemma to me. I used to think I was doing the better thing by trying to forget the hurt, but I'm starting to think that it only makes me weak. And not so much in the sense of being meek and trying to be like Jesus, but more so just flat out weak. When is righteous indignation appropriate and actually...righteous? I grow weary of apologizing for trying to do the right thing. It gets really exhausting.
This hasn't been so much the case with men anymore as I think I have turned a corner in the sense. With the guy that I'm not sure why I dated in the first place other than the reason that he was persistent and my family encouraged me because he did after all seem like he was decent, and well, single, and not a leper. And it all seemed well and good. I thought it interesting that when he insisted that I have dinner with his family that his parents commented that they could see a lot of strength in me....interesting observation no? I thought a lot on that. Especially when he came back for Christmas in which time he insisted on making plans to see each other practically ever waking moment. The same plans he completely blew off the day after they were confirmed. Blew off as in didn't speak to me after the moment that he called when he got off the airplane. I wrote him off pretty quickly realizing that there were some issues there. And realizing that he probably just saw me as a project. See, it's true that I don't date much, never have. Just not the kind of girl that induces spontaneous dating. Which is fine. He took it to mean that I have major insecurities with the opposite sex, which isn't entirely untrue, but not in the major category. So when he called me weeks later after I had all but forgotten about him and was surprised that I wasn't thrilled to speak to him I was amazed at the strength that I actually did have. Reminded him that the strength that his parents saw meant that while I am sweet natured and can be a doormat sometimes, that I am still in control of me, and will not be treated as such. I was amazed at my clarity of mind and command over my emotions as I calmly let him have it. Perhaps it was easier as he was at the moment working several states over and I wasn't attempting to retain any type of relationship at all. Oh, but that moment felt good. And served as a testament to myself of my own strength that I sometimes doubted.
Now, I realize that not every circumstance demands such demeanor, but I struggle to know when a little whoop-A is really needed and when not. Because I don't really see it my duty to put people in their place. Or maybe I just need to be put in my place. That could make a lot of sense.
Well, I guess all I can really do is go with the gut, and the gut tells me that all things considered I am doing just fine.