Friday, November 10, 2006

Hurts so good

Let me just premise this post by pointing out that the two teenagers involved in the vandalism and arson of an LDS chapel recently were charged with arson and criminal mischief. How mischievous. If I ever were charged with anything, I think I would want it to be mischief. But just general mischief, not the criminal kind. Obviously.

Last night I accompanied Courtney to get a pedicure for some pre wedding stuff this weekend for which she wanted pretty toes. I just watched, which is WAY more entertaining then it sounds. We had a lovely conversation regarding her courtship class at church and how very glad she is to be getting out of a singles ward. And I had a little epiphany. It is as follows.....

Okay, so I know that despite my protests that I dont actually care about my love life or perpetual lack thereof, I tend to write a whole lot about it. But really, blogging is about all the attention I give the matter. Usually. I'm really not all that obsessed. A little perplexed due to the fact that the whole dating thing still has me dumbfounded at 26 years of age, but that's about it. I complain on occasion that guys never ask girls out on real dates anymore, because if they did, and I actually dated on occasion, people would maybe leave me alone about it. But I'm done giving in to the pressure of the masses and pointing fingers. I'm my own person darnit!

Courtney was intrigued by the conversion that opened up in her class when girls started commenting on aspects of dating such as "I like it when guys open the door for me....yada yada yada. " (I think that's a direct quote. But don't quote me on it). After a handful of such comments, the bishop's wife piped up saying that what she constantly hears but the sisters would never say here is that they just want to be asked out and why doesn't that happen? The honesty that ensued was fascinating....... some about how guys are turned off by the idea of being a prospective eternal companion on the first date, or a meal ticket, etc. This I knew. And while there are definitely girls out there who have those motives, let me tell you, there are some guys as well...
although probably more girls.

I am totally sympathetic to the money issue, the pressure....yada yada yada. Well, while people continued to gripe about not dating and how unfair it is and how it's just because men are intimidated by more independent women (is that really true?) one guy points out that asking a girl out is perceived as a precursor to a marriage proposal (which I've heard in jest), but that girls do take it seriously, so who wants to have to break up with a girl after one date if you're not interested? A hush fell over the crowd. I'm pretty sure. Courtney's fiance expounded on this by adding that, seriously, you want to get to know a girl casually because there may be some interest, but you just don't hit it off, then by not calling, you have doomed yourself to radical speculation by every one of this girl's roommates, and are forever labeled a jerk in there household. Not just among these particular girls, but any future roommates they might have. All because this first date did not merit a relationship in their mind.

I was aware of the issue before, but for some reason this was very eye opening. And sadly, true. I used to be so against the whole "hanging out" stigma because I thought it lazy, chicken. But makes so much freakin sense people. And I feel REALLY bad for these guys. Not to say that they should be excused from any action at all, but I don't blame the reluctance. I think I would be content at this point to casually date/hang out with someone in whom I am mildly interested and letting things happen naturally. I have always preferred that method regardless. Don't get me wrong. Dates are good. Being asked out can build self confidence. But I think both parties are guilty of projecting pressures onto the other and sabotaging the entire thing from the start. At least in my case. Sometimes.

This is why Courtney's always telling me I need to play the game more. She knows it's not in my nature (hate the game not the player?) but it works. For her it was more of a personal protection plan to guard herself from getting hurt. Which there is a lot to be said for. Less vulnerability and rejection + not appearing overly eager and scaring guys off = potential success. We'll see. So my conclusion is surprisely exactly the same as the lyrics of the song I heard on the way to work this morning; It hurts so good, comon baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love dont feel like it should, you make it hurt so good. (Strange how it was word for word like that).

This may not be groundbreaking, but there you go.

On a lighter note............I saw The Science of Sleep last night with Court and Jess at 9:50 and well, didn't get much sleep. But liked it! And it was fun. As I recall, we walked into the near empty theatre during the preview for Queen (which isn't about the music first thought as well....I know.....disappointing) and Jess was so confused, asking, this the movie? Courtney responded no, this is what's called a preview......

In Jess' defense, she saw that Queen was playing in the other theatre, and that's what she was referring to.

And I get to see the little man Jonas, in T minus something hours........soon.


Anonymous said...

You make some good points and I hear you out. But still. Bottom line, have to say it. I think if a man can't ever ask a woman out on a date due to the fact that he doesn't want to be marriage meat or pawned off for a meal, he's a little weak. He can keep it real and in the moment, secure his intentions in dating even if he goes on a date with someone who has crazy lofty marriage intentions. And I will say that in some cases, things do move fast and people know right away and that's fine, whatever, if it's what both people want and is right for them, yay for the miracle of marriage.
I think men ought to catalyze and steer the course; If she's moving too fast, playing you for a meal ticket or letting off that obsessed with getting married vibe after date 1, do both genders a favor here and call her on it, pull the reigns or don't date her anymore. But don't not date at all because of that, or assume "they're all like that".
I don't think we as single women should fuel the fury of guys buckling under the pressure of some pouncing girl or her bitter roommates by letting them off the hook for dates/dating. We have the marriage pouncers, the embittered/nosy roommates, the male self-disqualified daters, and the female non-pouncers who feel sorry for the self-disqualified daters who can't handle the pouncers. I say men be men. Women be women. And in the words of Eddie Vedder, makes much more sense to live in the present tense.
-Laura Webster

Britten said...

Yes, Mr. Vedder is right about this one. And I agree with Laura and he.

Seriously, Sarah, believe do NOT want the type of guy who is intimidated by all that garbage. It's rampant in Utah. I think that is part of what attracted me to Andy - he was apart from all of that, a real man's man who was bold, asked me out, opened doors, kissed me on the hand and made me feel like a real woman. (I mean, just think of Jess and Ryan and how bold he was with her) Course, Andy and I also new each other for one year before, but really didn't because what little we knew of each other we totally hated! So don't count out anyone you think you can't stand - maybe you just don't know them well enough.

Sorry, you start talking about dating dilemmas and we will come and write long paragraphs full of advice. All in all, love will happen for you when it happens - it's a simple as that. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, and as painful as it may be at times, I wouldn't change any of my experiences with boyfriends/dates and the elation or heartache they caused....made me what I am today (which in some circles is considered totally crazy, but that's another story).

Sarita said...

I know I know. I just am tired of people (girls) sitting around and complaining that they would date but it's all the guys fault. I'm sick of pointing fingers and playing the victim. I'm not giving up, just ready to shift my focus? anyway, thanks for the stellar response and concern for little ol me.

And Britten, we love you BECAUSE you are crazy, not despite it. So never change. You too Laura dear.