Thursday, March 13, 2008

Pity the fool

Dear Mr. T,

I was eating lunch yesterday at a local dining establishment when I noticed a pleasant scene. A darling young mother and her darling little girl interacting as they settled at their table to lunch.

I felt some pains of jealousy maybe, of longing for such interaction myself. And all that moving in that direction may entail.

I then saw the young husband and father approach the table and sit down donning his gold chains and soul patch.
And was suddenly very content with my situation in life.

Does that make me shallow?

Sincerely,

Shallow and Searching in Salt Lake

***********************
Dear Shallow in Salt Lake,

The answer is yes. In fact, I pity the fool who thinks it alright NOT to be sporting such stellar accessories. And like facial hair. Your immediate dismissal of such incredible fashion sense tells me that you will probably die alone and unloved. With lots of cats. Nothing against cats mind you, I actually like them. Which you may not think by the looks of me, but I do. In fact, I pity the fool who doesn't like little kitties. See what the chains do? They make me multi dimensional, deep.

I don't know anything about this guy, but I'm pretty sure I can ascertain that he is pretty much the best father and husband in the greater SLC area. Just from the chains and soul patch.

Furthermore, if you really ever want to find true happiness, you best start wearing gold chains yourself. Because I'm willing to bet that you don't. Just take it one step at a time.

Compassionately,

Mr. T

PS......and just as a bonus, I will dispense some other great advice that you didn't even ask for,

It's like I told the The Onion A.V. Club, June 26th, 2002: We didn't starve. We spent wisely. Like I tell people in the ghetto, "If you can buy guns and bullets, why can't you buy food? You can buy heroin and crack cocaine, so why can't you buy bread and butter and milk? Why can't you pay your rent?" There's a lot of people in the ghetto who go out and get a fancy car and all that. The car costs more than their house. Meanwhile, your kids need shoes. That's not cool.

3 comments:

Sarah Emily said...

Miss Jones failed to mention that the glint of the gold chain caught our eyes at the same moment. The knowing look that was exchanged seconds later was a scream.

James McOmber said...

Oh, Sarah, let's run away. I don't wear gold chains, but perhaps you will love me anyhow.

Sarita said...

Oh James, but do you have a soul patch?