Friday, July 06, 2007

My lips are chapped

Which usually results in my chewing on them until they are even more swollen than usual. My eyes are a little tired. Partially because I forgot that I am not allowed to wear my contacts for another couple weeks. And in part because I had my first big cry in a long long time last night. Over simple things, but a lot of 'em. I used to be a weepy girl. Not that I was constantly distraught, but tears came easily be they happy or sad. Life had a keen effect on my emotions. Lately I have felt as if I had gone to the opposite extreme and am void of this sensory. I don't cry anymore. And that makes me sad. That perhaps I am not moved as easily as I once was. Maybe it means I am more discerning or maybe that I am desensitized to life in general. Sad because a good cry is all too cathartic. In retrospect the helpless feelings and personal selfish sorrows of last night were welcome. I've been needing that release. The last few months haven't been easy and I think they toughened me up a bit. I did not fall apart. There have been some sullen moments but I was one tough chick. It felt good to let go. But letting go also means that I acknowledge my own vulnerability which leaves me aching for big hugs from those who I trust, who care, well almost anyone will do at this point. It is also times such as these where I long for masculine arms for just a moments time. Almost as if they have this mystical power that melts away fears and uncertainties. I sometimes wish that I wasn't so stingy with my affection towards owners of masculine arms due to my own personal fears of getting hurt. I'll work on that.

Sometimes I feel invisible. As if I have so much to give, but can't because I am not seen. Or remembered. Luckily I have had fabulous people come into my life who help negate that feeling. Amazing people that I respect, and who see the value in me that in quiet moments of tears or even the void of tears I have doubted.

That said, I have also been way too introspective lately. A little selfish in that regard. Working on that as well.

3 comments:

Rachel said...

I see you--you are beautiful.
I remember you--daily and with joy.
I value you--beyond measure.
I would hug you if I could!! (and probably pinch your bum, but no "credits"!)

SummerChild said...

You are most definately not invisible. You are a beautiful woman who can swing dance like a dream (or at least follow the leading of our dear dancin' fool Jesse). So glad that we have become fast friends and I hope you don't forget me when I'm gone...

Kim said...

You aren't invisible. But, I do know what that feels like. You are so talented. And good and kind and smart. Sometimes I would like to be invisible. I would like an Invisibility Cloak...