My cute friend Suvi is conducting an experiment of sorts with her digital recorder. An incredible audio documentary exploring the mysteries of love. It has been fascinating to hear bits and pieces of perspectives from the recently hitched, and longtime single. And has opened my eyes to the wide array of frustrations the dating world encompasses. We listened and discussed into the wee hours of this morning, so it remains fresh in my mind.
Example: Last night as I sat with a few new found friends doing crafty things, Suvi turned the topic of conversation yet again to this thing called love. She does that. And always with the recorder on full force. It's interesting to hear the complaints and frustrations from the serial dater, the feast and famine dater, the previously married dater, and myself, the virtual non-dater. We discussed how for some attention can abound at times, and dwindle at others. This is where I dropped the bomb being that it's always the latter for me (I enjoy doing this when I have discovered that no one in the room is in this same boat). Sure I have flirtatious connections, that never proceed past that (not that I necessarily always want them to, but if they did, I mean, at least it would be a prospect). There are the occasional random seemingly worthwhile guys that I connect with online (despite my efforts to cease and desist with all that nonsense). Those are pretty much the only dates I have gone on in the past year. And never amount to anything beyond sometimes good first date experiences.
I realize I am not alone in this. There are people that are natural daters. That attract dating activity like a super powered magnet. My little sister was one of those, so it has fascinated me for sometime. Then there are people like me, moderately attractive (at the very least?) worthwhile souls who are comfortable with themselves and make efforts to put themselves out there, only to watch the others get asked out time after time. I don't pretend that it never gets to me. Because sometimes it does. Generally I accept it. Still make efforts, but am resigned to the idea that it just might not happen for me that way. Perhaps more in an evolving friend sorta way. Who knows.
Suvi asked with recorder in hand, why I think this is. Why I don't date. After she sweetly expressed her unbelief. I have been mulling over it ever since and I sometimes think that it is purely me, my appearance, demeanor, some vibe I put off despite my efforts not to. Which is discouraging, because I like me. And would love to find someone that likes me as well. That I can like back. Someone that appreciates the person that I am. I am more concerned with the fact that I feel like I am going nowhere in that arena. I don't need to find love tomorrow, but I need to experiment with love, as scary as it is. I do believe that for sometime I possibly avoided it because of that fear. Of being vulnerable. Of the unknown. Looking back to my early non-dating years, there were opportunities to date. I was terrified of boys at that time. Coming from a family of girls, and being quite the homebody, I really didn't know how to interact with them. Some I found out about years later, guys who were too intimidated. Some sabotaged by myself and my own naivety (I didn't understand flirting). I seriously believed in that time that boys were not and would not be interested in a girl like me. I have come a long way from there. I no longer trust that thought, but a little evidence of contradiction to it couldn't hurt.
I've been witness to several marriages (both happy and not) and a sister to 3 wonderful and happily married wives. It happened a little different for each of them. And I expect it will be the same for me. I am happy with me at present, being single that is, but sometimes fear that this will a perpetual me. That there is something terribly broken.